Monthly Archives: March 2015

I’m A Masculinist

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Let me back up. I’m an advocate for the rights of women everywhere. Since I began my explorations in Judaism, I’ve taken particular interest in women’s creative expression, outlets, and roles. Part of this is because I’m naturally curious and passionate about the topic. The other part is…well, I’m a vocal and strong-minded woman! I never chose to be. Frankly, I never wanted to be! I always envied women who were a little docile, sweet types, the quiet ones. Those were ideal women to me.

But… not anymore. I have learned to appreciate all the different shades women are in the last decade or so. Now, I even appreciate the way I am. It’s for this reason that I choose to teach about the unique role of the Jewish woman and persist to ask tough questions. I find Torah values to champion women more than all other codes of conduct and value systems. As I continue to examine and understand, I am astounded by the lack of feminism in America today.

But I digress. Back to my new-found masculinism. I recently attended a lecture on the Jewish holiday of Purim and we were all speaking afterward about the prominent heroine, Queen Esther. We spoke about all the ways women today celebrate Purim and, for that matter, how women today celebrate Jewish holidays generally.

I (being vocal!) said that I wondered about how a Jewish woman can appropriately celebrate this holiday and all holidays when her primary role is the home. A Jewish woman is the foundation of the Jewish home and it is through her wisdom and strength that her home is built. On Yom Kippur, for example, when many go to synagogue to pray and repent, I lived in a neighborhood of Jerusalem where the women mostly stayed home that day with their young children. They barely saw the inside of the synagogue.

Is this the way Yom Kippur should be celebrated?

Moreover, Judaism today (for the vast majority of American Jews) is confined to the synagogue (or delicatessen- wink, wink). At present, the center point of a typical Jewish community is a synagogue. If only men show up on Yom Kippur, or only men are counted in the minyan, or men usually read from the Torah- where is the place in Judaism for women?

So women responded by: showing up, counting themselves in a minyan, and reading from the Torah. The sentiment being- if men can do it, so can we. The logic is certainly there.

But what if we’ve been looking at this whole Judaism thing backwards? What if our premise is altogether untrue and the decisions that have sprouted from that premise are then false?

I recently had a revelation thanks to a wise friend who quoted Rav Shimshon Raphael Hirsch zt’l. He said (I’m paraphrasing) that the Jewish people only recently began to view Judaism as being rooted in the synagogues. He was, of course, referring the synagogues of Germany at that time. He boldly declared that all the synagogues should be closed down for one hundred years because they were wrongly taking over as the center of Jewish life instead of the home. The actual center for the Jewish people, the way it’s been since the times of Abraham is, in fact, in the home.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the phones!

If Judaism’s headquarters are the homes rather than the synagogues, and all the men are in synagogue and now all the women are shoving the men aside to lead the synagogues:

1. Who’s leading the Torah atmosphere in the homes?

2. Where does this leave men?

Ladies, I think we’ve made an error in our calculations. Our stake and our legacy in Judaism is our homes. Unmanned (unwomanned?), the Jewish home is desolate and lifeless.  We have a big gaping hole in the most critical Jewish location. Paging ground control!!

Also, because women are such powerful forces, where should men go when the one place they can express their Judaism has been taken over? There is no outlet for them anymore.

So, I guess I’m a masculinist. These poor shlubs need a woman to help them out of this rut!

To my lady readers, if you agree with me, let’s reclaim what’s rightfully ours and make space for the men who need real Jewish heroines in their lives to fight for their rights.

I’m not suggesting we boycott the synagogue. While I would support the brave words of Rav Hirsch, I somehow don’t see today’s Jewish leaders going to those extremes to make this point. SO if attending synagogue helps elevate your spirituality, why not go for it? But let’s renew our dedication to infusing the precious and holy Jewish homes with our intuition, joy, and infallible Torah values.

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Survivor’s Guide to Working Motherhood and All of Life’s Challeges

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What better way to come out of my blogging hiatus than to discuss the perils of a “working” mother? I put “working” in quotation marks to reflect that I believe every mother is a working mother. That said, a woman who works- particularly full-time, particularly set, inflexible hours has a layer of potential stress that can be damaging if not considered properly.

For me, I feel tired. Mostly in the wee early hours of the morning and in the early evening hours when I get home from work until the time my head blissfully rests on my beloved pillow.

To be fair, I think my husband who is (thank God!) working, studying (CFA exam), learning Torah, praying in synagogue daily, and has family duties here at home may be just as tired as me. So this is for men too though I’m pretty sure men won’t voluntarily read this. Anyway…

This is my challenge. I’m tired. My body hurts. I just don’t feel like getting up to prepare dinner, brush and floss tiny teeth, clean the house, or make lunches for the next day. Worst of all, I wish I did! It’s a blessing to have a home and frustrating to acknowledge that it’s hard to do what’s required to maintain that home.

If I had a personal genie (and in my personal prayers), I would and do wish for the energy and time I need to accomplish everything I want to- and have to- do.

Again, this is my challenge.

Other people have other challenges.

My friends who are searching for their soul-mates are struggling to make sense of why they haven’t found them yet and fighting the burnout that goes along with boring, dreadful, or non-existent dates. They are wading through the murky waters of suitors’ superficial preferences and prerequisites. They have to filter the myriad of bad advice and negative comments they hear from so many around them including family, friends, and matchmakers.

This is their challenge. (May they find their happily ever after spouses soon, at the right time)

I have friends struggling to conceive, feeling out of place in the child-centric communities we have built.  They long for a baby to call their own, a child they can help guide and nurture….a family. Despite themselves, they grow hopeful and positive and their disappointment often turns to despair every month.

This is their challenge. (May they fill their home with many healthy, happy, successful children)

I have friends who are in a constant state of panic over money problems or perceived money problems. I have friends who are bored all the time and feel that life is devoid of pleasure or purpose. There are people battling failing marriages, special needs or difficult children, unhealthy relationships, and serious medical issues.

We all have our challenges.

It’s interesting to see how different people respond to challenges. Some seem to rise to the occasion while others get crushed by the burdens.

Here are my new top seven mantras/rules/aspirations for navigating through every (exhausting) day. Please add your own to my collection so I can have an even ten or maybe some universal ones that would work for any challenge!

7. I will make mistakes. Sometimes really embarrassing ones that immediately invoke regret. It doesn’t look good or feel good but it’s reality so I might as well embrace it.

6. Banish Guilt (Part One) Saying no is better than saying yes sometimes. Even when we have to turn a good deed down in order to focus on our obligatory deeds. (On that note, even if I’m not up to reading a bedtime story, I can still tuck them in and do bedtime rituals with love. Still passable, right?)

5. Banish Guilt (Part Two) My house does not always need to look perfectly clean and neat. Dinner doesn’t need to be better than eggs. Sleep trumps homemaking.

4. Asking for help is profoundly necessary. In the form of a spouse, child, family member, friend, babysitter, housekeeper, or (if you’re lucky) all of the above.

3. Compare myself to no one ever. Compare my family and friends to no one ever.

2. Wash everything away except for this very moment and soak it all in. It might be messy sometimes but it’s always glorious!

1. Thank God for the blessings in THIS moment.

We are all united through our various challenges and life can change so quickly that we may as well appreciate the whole picture- imperfections and all- instead of waiting for the next chapter of our lives.